Why does a one try so hard to gain the love and trust that is already gone? When I say gone, I mean gone to a point of never returning.
I am going through that right now. There were situations that happened almost two years ago that made my previous partner feel that I no longer deserved her. Since then I have been trying my damnst to show her that there is no one else that is strong enough to deal with the complexity that is her. Through many tears and late night thoughts of leaving, I still can't seem to get over the fact that there is no more us. I want to believe that there is still a chance because although we have not been an item, I still take care of her daughter and run her errands. In addition to the responsibilities that I had in the previous years I am now the cook and house maid for her father with whom we now live with. Her father has diabetes and is like 425lbs. He eats most of the time and the time that he isn't eating, he is sleep. I have been living with her for almost three years and for real nothing has changed much. I am not going to say that the way I feel right is totally all her fault because that would be just pointing the finger. I do have something to do with it, but what I did was nothing like cheating or anything. I guess I wasn't as adult as she wanted me to be. What she continues on so many occasions to forget is that I am 9 years younger than her....
Now that I think about it....maybe that is why she is so distant from me now. We don't sleep in the same bed, everything that is hers...is just that. She refuses to do my hair and every time I ask her to do something for me she says no. I don't know what to do because I really don't want to give up, even though she constantly gives me signs that she wants nothing to do with me. Why is it that still love her as much as I do? Why am I still running a race that ended a long time ago? Am I getting tired? Yes, but no matter what I can't stop.
As I am writing, I am getting angry with myself because I am exhausting all of my love and time with somebody that only takes it for granted. She doesn't take it for granted, because that is only possible if she sees my love, but doesn't realize what it is I am offering. She just doesn't care. I am scared to move on because, again I am worrying about her. Why am I so worried about this human that has done everything but permanently kicked me out? I am so hurt right now...
Friday, March 26, 2010
Motherhood without Labor Pains
It is interesting to see the many generations of mothers, fathers, and grandparents. Right now, this is my generation and with me being almost 21 years of age I feel like I'm the only one that hasn't started motherhood. Well, really I have. With taking care of Imani, from doctor visits to weekday daycare, from breakfast (really fast) to chicken nuggets and green bean dinners almost everyday, from tired "but, Tee-Tee I'm not sleepy yet," cries, I am a mother. Imani is my daughter. The daughter that I did not birth, but take care of. She is my teacher, my student, my best friend, sometimes my worst enemy, my girlfriend, my boyfriend, my mother....my daughter.
Many people look at me like I'm crazy when I say that I have a daughter whom is not really mine but I still take care of. My parents (particularly my father) still doesn't get why I take care of her and care for her the way that I do (this situation is a week from being four years in the making). Does he love her? Yes he does! But he still has an issue with the way I look at my life. Being a mother is tedious, restless, stressful, and sometime depressing, but the best thing that one can do in this situation is "bite the bullet," wipe the tears, tighten the suspender straps to your pants and go all out.
The best thing about being a parent without ever being pregnant is that I can still watch everyday as she grows up, download "Goldilocks and the Three Bears" on my Ipod touch for when I just need a minute to breathe, watch as she put her right hand on her hip when she brushes her teeth just like I do, lift my spirits, hug and kiss me, and tell me that she loves me and I got her forever, when I'm crying, etc. She is my real-life doll baby because I get to wash, comb, grease, and blow dry her hair, paint her finger and toe nails, play dress-up with the new season wardrobe, sing silly songs, watch Dora, Diego, Kilan, Little Bill. I can take her temperature and feed her. When she was a baby I could push her around in the stroller and make weird baby sounds just to make her laugh. I can make up stories that she will bring up every time she thinks of it and get emotional when I don't remember exactly what I said.
Of course being a mother gets stressful when she doesn't want to listen and "no" makes her lose all the sense God gave her. Or when she decides that she want to be a big girl and not take a nap, but around 5pm she can barely keep her eyes open and bedtime is not until 8:30pm. My most stressful times are when she is just having a bad day and doesn't know why and when she doesn't feel well because normally she is active and happy. When she is sick I get worried and it takes everything in me not the burst out in tears and think of the worst case scenario, even when I know it is just a cold.
The hard part comes in when I have to think like her. I know you may be thinking, "What does that mean?," But when a kid is mean to her or hits her at school and she tells me about it, I get upset and sometimes blurt out what I am thinking (that's not a good thing because I have a potty mouth). But when I realize that she is coming to me because she wants to know what to do when it happens again, that is when I have to think like her and tell her things like, "baby, tell your teacher and let that person know that you did not like the what they did." When really I want to say, "If she hits you again, knock her head off!" To look at the world through a 3 year old's eyes is one of the most beneficial things about being a parent. Really, you get to re-live those moments that you may have missed when you were a child, you don't have to be an adult all the time, you can be silly and get dirty, play with toys and watch cartoons, eat peanut butter and jelly sandwiches with pretzels, (sometimes) take naps, eat ice cream and play at the playground!
As adults first, then parents, we tend to loose sight of all the things we loved as a child because "it's not what adults do." Whatever! There is nothing like picking up a worm just to see my daughter's face scrunch up and scream, "Tee-Tee it's moving!" Or building snowmans or snow walls to have 'snow ball wars.' Or how about, side walk chalk Hop Scotch and coloring books? As children we use to love those things, but as we got older there were many people in our lives who told us that we are getting older so those things need to be put in the past. Once again...WHATEVER! Think about it, you are going to have to get into it again when you have children and again when your children have children. So, what needs to be put in the past again? Nothing.
Many people look at me like I'm crazy when I say that I have a daughter whom is not really mine but I still take care of. My parents (particularly my father) still doesn't get why I take care of her and care for her the way that I do (this situation is a week from being four years in the making). Does he love her? Yes he does! But he still has an issue with the way I look at my life. Being a mother is tedious, restless, stressful, and sometime depressing, but the best thing that one can do in this situation is "bite the bullet," wipe the tears, tighten the suspender straps to your pants and go all out.
The best thing about being a parent without ever being pregnant is that I can still watch everyday as she grows up, download "Goldilocks and the Three Bears" on my Ipod touch for when I just need a minute to breathe, watch as she put her right hand on her hip when she brushes her teeth just like I do, lift my spirits, hug and kiss me, and tell me that she loves me and I got her forever, when I'm crying, etc. She is my real-life doll baby because I get to wash, comb, grease, and blow dry her hair, paint her finger and toe nails, play dress-up with the new season wardrobe, sing silly songs, watch Dora, Diego, Kilan, Little Bill. I can take her temperature and feed her. When she was a baby I could push her around in the stroller and make weird baby sounds just to make her laugh. I can make up stories that she will bring up every time she thinks of it and get emotional when I don't remember exactly what I said.
Of course being a mother gets stressful when she doesn't want to listen and "no" makes her lose all the sense God gave her. Or when she decides that she want to be a big girl and not take a nap, but around 5pm she can barely keep her eyes open and bedtime is not until 8:30pm. My most stressful times are when she is just having a bad day and doesn't know why and when she doesn't feel well because normally she is active and happy. When she is sick I get worried and it takes everything in me not the burst out in tears and think of the worst case scenario, even when I know it is just a cold.
The hard part comes in when I have to think like her. I know you may be thinking, "What does that mean?," But when a kid is mean to her or hits her at school and she tells me about it, I get upset and sometimes blurt out what I am thinking (that's not a good thing because I have a potty mouth). But when I realize that she is coming to me because she wants to know what to do when it happens again, that is when I have to think like her and tell her things like, "baby, tell your teacher and let that person know that you did not like the what they did." When really I want to say, "If she hits you again, knock her head off!" To look at the world through a 3 year old's eyes is one of the most beneficial things about being a parent. Really, you get to re-live those moments that you may have missed when you were a child, you don't have to be an adult all the time, you can be silly and get dirty, play with toys and watch cartoons, eat peanut butter and jelly sandwiches with pretzels, (sometimes) take naps, eat ice cream and play at the playground!
As adults first, then parents, we tend to loose sight of all the things we loved as a child because "it's not what adults do." Whatever! There is nothing like picking up a worm just to see my daughter's face scrunch up and scream, "Tee-Tee it's moving!" Or building snowmans or snow walls to have 'snow ball wars.' Or how about, side walk chalk Hop Scotch and coloring books? As children we use to love those things, but as we got older there were many people in our lives who told us that we are getting older so those things need to be put in the past. Once again...WHATEVER! Think about it, you are going to have to get into it again when you have children and again when your children have children. So, what needs to be put in the past again? Nothing.
Saturday, March 15, 2008
Just Thinking
Sometimes I think about what made me the person I am today. Why did I have to go through so much pain? I guess at the end what I went through made me a better and stronger individual. I am ashamed that I don't like the naturing part of me. It seems to be taken for granted by everybody that I allow in my inner circle. I think I have to choose more wisely now.
I don't know for sure, but I think that this is my turning point in life. This is when I make my transformation from a girl to a woman. I am starting to think more maturely, act more mature, and listen to words from the wise. I do admit that I still have some growing up to do before I can confidently call myself a woman. I will work harder at this everyday. I promise to stay conscious of the many decisions that I have to make in the future. I will be mindful that life is a journey and I must treat it as such. I must laugh, love, forgive, and cry.
I must cry when I'm hurt to express my feelings; I must write when I get the urge; I must laugh when something tickles my funny cell; I must sleep when my body has had enough. I must do what ever it takes to become a role model to my generation and the people in my inner realm. I feel that it is only right that I start to put myself first even when it seems like the hardest thing to do. I must have my best interest at heart first. I must love myself before I can love anybody else. I must thank God everyday for continuing to give me days when I don't deserve it.
Living in today's world is crazy. I can feel when someone will no longer live on earth. I don't know where this talent came from, but I do know that I thank God for it. I feel that I will live for a long time because God has huge plans for me.
I have to repent my sins, but right now I won't because my heart isn't there. A lot of people do it before their heart is ready and they end up repenting and asking for forgiveness more than ever. I know that I live in sin and I sin everyday by first, being lesbian. I am working on my desires right now, but it's hard when I'm in love with a female as I write.
There are a lot of things I don't believe that are written it the Bible. My mind provokes thought and a lot of it doesn't make sense. That doesn't mean that I don't believe in God or Jesus; it just means that I have my own person relationship with the man on the throne than most people.
Just some thoughts......
I don't know for sure, but I think that this is my turning point in life. This is when I make my transformation from a girl to a woman. I am starting to think more maturely, act more mature, and listen to words from the wise. I do admit that I still have some growing up to do before I can confidently call myself a woman. I will work harder at this everyday. I promise to stay conscious of the many decisions that I have to make in the future. I will be mindful that life is a journey and I must treat it as such. I must laugh, love, forgive, and cry.
I must cry when I'm hurt to express my feelings; I must write when I get the urge; I must laugh when something tickles my funny cell; I must sleep when my body has had enough. I must do what ever it takes to become a role model to my generation and the people in my inner realm. I feel that it is only right that I start to put myself first even when it seems like the hardest thing to do. I must have my best interest at heart first. I must love myself before I can love anybody else. I must thank God everyday for continuing to give me days when I don't deserve it.
Living in today's world is crazy. I can feel when someone will no longer live on earth. I don't know where this talent came from, but I do know that I thank God for it. I feel that I will live for a long time because God has huge plans for me.
I have to repent my sins, but right now I won't because my heart isn't there. A lot of people do it before their heart is ready and they end up repenting and asking for forgiveness more than ever. I know that I live in sin and I sin everyday by first, being lesbian. I am working on my desires right now, but it's hard when I'm in love with a female as I write.
There are a lot of things I don't believe that are written it the Bible. My mind provokes thought and a lot of it doesn't make sense. That doesn't mean that I don't believe in God or Jesus; it just means that I have my own person relationship with the man on the throne than most people.
Just some thoughts......
Monday, March 10, 2008
Depressed
Saturday night was the worse night ever. The whole day really; my girl woke up and didn't even say hi to me. The first thing she said to me was, don't make her anything to drink because I didn't fill up the ice tray. It was down hill from there. I had an attitude all day because there were so many things that she said that I didn't understand. Then, wasn't the time to talk about it because she had an attitude too. I didn't want to argue in front of my daughter.
That night I drank too much. That was the first time in my life that I threw up. My girl said that I even laid in it. I felt like shit, but I knew that the only way I could tell her what was bothering me was to drink a little. I fucked up by getting stupid drunk. I did apologize to her though. I made a fool of myself and I do regret it because it resulted in us breaking up. I didn't want that to happen.
I want her to understand that there are going to be things that I do and she doesn't like because I'm still growing up. I'm 18 years old and she's older than me. A lot of things that I'm going through is just part of growing up. The whole drinking thing had nothing to do with that though. She knows that some things I do, she used to. I don't know what to do right now. I love her so much and I don't want one bad night to fuck up the love we have for each other
That night I drank too much. That was the first time in my life that I threw up. My girl said that I even laid in it. I felt like shit, but I knew that the only way I could tell her what was bothering me was to drink a little. I fucked up by getting stupid drunk. I did apologize to her though. I made a fool of myself and I do regret it because it resulted in us breaking up. I didn't want that to happen.
I want her to understand that there are going to be things that I do and she doesn't like because I'm still growing up. I'm 18 years old and she's older than me. A lot of things that I'm going through is just part of growing up. The whole drinking thing had nothing to do with that though. She knows that some things I do, she used to. I don't know what to do right now. I love her so much and I don't want one bad night to fuck up the love we have for each other
Saturday, March 8, 2008
?80-20?
Ever heard of the 80-20 rule for relationships?
Well, if you haven't it goes a little something like this....
80% equals the person that you are with currently with. This person makes you happy and you know it. Sometimes there may be periods where things just aren't going right, but you find a way to resolve the issues. You love this person.
20% equals a person that you may think is better than what you already have. Now, this person entertains you and seems like the perfect person for you. You may even be thinking of pursuing this person.
Now, lets say that you decide to pursue the 20% thinking you will be better off. Later now down the line you find out the hard way that your 80% was what you really wanted and now need back. What do you do?
Well, if you haven't it goes a little something like this....
80% equals the person that you are with currently with. This person makes you happy and you know it. Sometimes there may be periods where things just aren't going right, but you find a way to resolve the issues. You love this person.
20% equals a person that you may think is better than what you already have. Now, this person entertains you and seems like the perfect person for you. You may even be thinking of pursuing this person.
Now, lets say that you decide to pursue the 20% thinking you will be better off. Later now down the line you find out the hard way that your 80% was what you really wanted and now need back. What do you do?
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