Just Thinking

Sometimes I think about what made me the person I am today. Why did I have to go through so much pain? I guess at the end what I went through made me a better and stronger individual. I am ashamed that I don't like the naturing part of me. It seems to be taken for granted by everybody that I allow in my inner circle. I think I have to choose more wisely now.

I don't know for sure, but I think that this is my turning point in life. This is when I make my transformation from a girl to a woman. I am starting to think more maturely, act more mature, and listen to words from the wise. I do admit that I still have some growing up to do before I can confidently call myself a woman. I will work harder at this everyday. I promise to stay conscious of the many decisions that I have to make in the future. I will be mindful that life is a journey and I must treat it as such. I must laugh, love, forgive, and cry.

I must cry when I'm hurt to express my feelings; I must write when I get the urge; I must laugh when something tickles my funny cell; I must sleep when my body has had enough. I must do what ever it takes to become a role model to my generation and the people in my inner realm. I feel that it is only right that I start to put myself first even when it seems like the hardest thing to do. I must have my best interest at heart first. I must love myself before I can love anybody else. I must thank God everyday for continuing to give me days when I don't deserve it.

Living in today's world is crazy. I can feel when someone will no longer live on earth. I don't know where this talent came from, but I do know that I thank God for it. I feel that I will live for a long time because God has huge plans for me.

I have to repent my sins, but right now I won't because my heart isn't there. A lot of people do it before their heart is ready and they end up repenting and asking for forgiveness more than ever. I know that I live in sin and I sin everyday by first, being lesbian. I am working on my desires right now, but it's hard when I'm in love with a female as I write.

There are a lot of things I don't believe that are written it the Bible. My mind provokes thought and a lot of it doesn't make sense. That doesn't mean that I don't believe in God or Jesus; it just means that I have my own person relationship with the man on the throne than most people.

Just some thoughts......

Depressed

Saturday night was the worse night ever. The whole day really; my girl woke up and didn't even say hi to me. The first thing she said to me was, don't make her anything to drink because I didn't fill up the ice tray. It was down hill from there. I had an attitude all day because there were so many things that she said that I didn't understand. Then, wasn't the time to talk about it because she had an attitude too. I didn't want to argue in front of my daughter.

That night I drank too much. That was the first time in my life that I threw up. My girl said that I even laid in it. I felt like shit, but I knew that the only way I could tell her what was bothering me was to drink a little. I fucked up by getting stupid drunk. I did apologize to her though. I made a fool of myself and I do regret it because it resulted in us breaking up. I didn't want that to happen.

I want her to understand that there are going to be things that I do and she doesn't like because I'm still growing up. I'm 18 years old and she's older than me. A lot of things that I'm going through is just part of growing up. The whole drinking thing had nothing to do with that though. She knows that some things I do, she used to. I don't know what to do right now. I love her so much and I don't want one bad night to fuck up the love we have for each other

?80-20?

Ever heard of the 80-20 rule for relationships?

Well, if you haven't it goes a little something like this....

80% equals the person that you are with currently with. This person makes you happy and you know it. Sometimes there may be periods where things just aren't going right, but you find a way to resolve the issues. You love this person.

20% equals a person that you may think is better than what you already have. Now, this person entertains you and seems like the perfect person for you. You may even be thinking of pursuing this person.

Now, lets say that you decide to pursue the 20% thinking you will be better off. Later now down the line you find out the hard way that your 80% was what you really wanted and now need back. What do you do?