Why does a one try so hard to gain the love and trust that is already gone? When I say gone, I mean gone to a point of never returning.
I am going through that right now. There were situations that happened almost two years ago that made my previous partner feel that I no longer deserved her. Since then I have been trying my damnst to show her that there is no one else that is strong enough to deal with the complexity that is her. Through many tears and late night thoughts of leaving, I still can't seem to get over the fact that there is no more us. I want to believe that there is still a chance because although we have not been an item, I still take care of her daughter and run her errands. In addition to the responsibilities that I had in the previous years I am now the cook and house maid for her father with whom we now live with. Her father has diabetes and is like 425lbs. He eats most of the time and the time that he isn't eating, he is sleep. I have been living with her for almost three years and for real nothing has changed much. I am not going to say that the way I feel right is totally all her fault because that would be just pointing the finger. I do have something to do with it, but what I did was nothing like cheating or anything. I guess I wasn't as adult as she wanted me to be. What she continues on so many occasions to forget is that I am 9 years younger than her....
Now that I think about it....maybe that is why she is so distant from me now. We don't sleep in the same bed, everything that is hers...is just that. She refuses to do my hair and every time I ask her to do something for me she says no. I don't know what to do because I really don't want to give up, even though she constantly gives me signs that she wants nothing to do with me. Why is it that still love her as much as I do? Why am I still running a race that ended a long time ago? Am I getting tired? Yes, but no matter what I can't stop.
As I am writing, I am getting angry with myself because I am exhausting all of my love and time with somebody that only takes it for granted. She doesn't take it for granted, because that is only possible if she sees my love, but doesn't realize what it is I am offering. She just doesn't care. I am scared to move on because, again I am worrying about her. Why am I so worried about this human that has done everything but permanently kicked me out? I am so hurt right now...
Friday, March 26, 2010
Motherhood without Labor Pains
It is interesting to see the many generations of mothers, fathers, and grandparents. Right now, this is my generation and with me being almost 21 years of age I feel like I'm the only one that hasn't started motherhood. Well, really I have. With taking care of Imani, from doctor visits to weekday daycare, from breakfast (really fast) to chicken nuggets and green bean dinners almost everyday, from tired "but, Tee-Tee I'm not sleepy yet," cries, I am a mother. Imani is my daughter. The daughter that I did not birth, but take care of. She is my teacher, my student, my best friend, sometimes my worst enemy, my girlfriend, my boyfriend, my mother....my daughter.
Many people look at me like I'm crazy when I say that I have a daughter whom is not really mine but I still take care of. My parents (particularly my father) still doesn't get why I take care of her and care for her the way that I do (this situation is a week from being four years in the making). Does he love her? Yes he does! But he still has an issue with the way I look at my life. Being a mother is tedious, restless, stressful, and sometime depressing, but the best thing that one can do in this situation is "bite the bullet," wipe the tears, tighten the suspender straps to your pants and go all out.
The best thing about being a parent without ever being pregnant is that I can still watch everyday as she grows up, download "Goldilocks and the Three Bears" on my Ipod touch for when I just need a minute to breathe, watch as she put her right hand on her hip when she brushes her teeth just like I do, lift my spirits, hug and kiss me, and tell me that she loves me and I got her forever, when I'm crying, etc. She is my real-life doll baby because I get to wash, comb, grease, and blow dry her hair, paint her finger and toe nails, play dress-up with the new season wardrobe, sing silly songs, watch Dora, Diego, Kilan, Little Bill. I can take her temperature and feed her. When she was a baby I could push her around in the stroller and make weird baby sounds just to make her laugh. I can make up stories that she will bring up every time she thinks of it and get emotional when I don't remember exactly what I said.
Of course being a mother gets stressful when she doesn't want to listen and "no" makes her lose all the sense God gave her. Or when she decides that she want to be a big girl and not take a nap, but around 5pm she can barely keep her eyes open and bedtime is not until 8:30pm. My most stressful times are when she is just having a bad day and doesn't know why and when she doesn't feel well because normally she is active and happy. When she is sick I get worried and it takes everything in me not the burst out in tears and think of the worst case scenario, even when I know it is just a cold.
The hard part comes in when I have to think like her. I know you may be thinking, "What does that mean?," But when a kid is mean to her or hits her at school and she tells me about it, I get upset and sometimes blurt out what I am thinking (that's not a good thing because I have a potty mouth). But when I realize that she is coming to me because she wants to know what to do when it happens again, that is when I have to think like her and tell her things like, "baby, tell your teacher and let that person know that you did not like the what they did." When really I want to say, "If she hits you again, knock her head off!" To look at the world through a 3 year old's eyes is one of the most beneficial things about being a parent. Really, you get to re-live those moments that you may have missed when you were a child, you don't have to be an adult all the time, you can be silly and get dirty, play with toys and watch cartoons, eat peanut butter and jelly sandwiches with pretzels, (sometimes) take naps, eat ice cream and play at the playground!
As adults first, then parents, we tend to loose sight of all the things we loved as a child because "it's not what adults do." Whatever! There is nothing like picking up a worm just to see my daughter's face scrunch up and scream, "Tee-Tee it's moving!" Or building snowmans or snow walls to have 'snow ball wars.' Or how about, side walk chalk Hop Scotch and coloring books? As children we use to love those things, but as we got older there were many people in our lives who told us that we are getting older so those things need to be put in the past. Once again...WHATEVER! Think about it, you are going to have to get into it again when you have children and again when your children have children. So, what needs to be put in the past again? Nothing.
Many people look at me like I'm crazy when I say that I have a daughter whom is not really mine but I still take care of. My parents (particularly my father) still doesn't get why I take care of her and care for her the way that I do (this situation is a week from being four years in the making). Does he love her? Yes he does! But he still has an issue with the way I look at my life. Being a mother is tedious, restless, stressful, and sometime depressing, but the best thing that one can do in this situation is "bite the bullet," wipe the tears, tighten the suspender straps to your pants and go all out.
The best thing about being a parent without ever being pregnant is that I can still watch everyday as she grows up, download "Goldilocks and the Three Bears" on my Ipod touch for when I just need a minute to breathe, watch as she put her right hand on her hip when she brushes her teeth just like I do, lift my spirits, hug and kiss me, and tell me that she loves me and I got her forever, when I'm crying, etc. She is my real-life doll baby because I get to wash, comb, grease, and blow dry her hair, paint her finger and toe nails, play dress-up with the new season wardrobe, sing silly songs, watch Dora, Diego, Kilan, Little Bill. I can take her temperature and feed her. When she was a baby I could push her around in the stroller and make weird baby sounds just to make her laugh. I can make up stories that she will bring up every time she thinks of it and get emotional when I don't remember exactly what I said.
Of course being a mother gets stressful when she doesn't want to listen and "no" makes her lose all the sense God gave her. Or when she decides that she want to be a big girl and not take a nap, but around 5pm she can barely keep her eyes open and bedtime is not until 8:30pm. My most stressful times are when she is just having a bad day and doesn't know why and when she doesn't feel well because normally she is active and happy. When she is sick I get worried and it takes everything in me not the burst out in tears and think of the worst case scenario, even when I know it is just a cold.
The hard part comes in when I have to think like her. I know you may be thinking, "What does that mean?," But when a kid is mean to her or hits her at school and she tells me about it, I get upset and sometimes blurt out what I am thinking (that's not a good thing because I have a potty mouth). But when I realize that she is coming to me because she wants to know what to do when it happens again, that is when I have to think like her and tell her things like, "baby, tell your teacher and let that person know that you did not like the what they did." When really I want to say, "If she hits you again, knock her head off!" To look at the world through a 3 year old's eyes is one of the most beneficial things about being a parent. Really, you get to re-live those moments that you may have missed when you were a child, you don't have to be an adult all the time, you can be silly and get dirty, play with toys and watch cartoons, eat peanut butter and jelly sandwiches with pretzels, (sometimes) take naps, eat ice cream and play at the playground!
As adults first, then parents, we tend to loose sight of all the things we loved as a child because "it's not what adults do." Whatever! There is nothing like picking up a worm just to see my daughter's face scrunch up and scream, "Tee-Tee it's moving!" Or building snowmans or snow walls to have 'snow ball wars.' Or how about, side walk chalk Hop Scotch and coloring books? As children we use to love those things, but as we got older there were many people in our lives who told us that we are getting older so those things need to be put in the past. Once again...WHATEVER! Think about it, you are going to have to get into it again when you have children and again when your children have children. So, what needs to be put in the past again? Nothing.
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